...this time to my friend Susan, who talked me down yesterday. I had decided that this Sunday morning I was going to attend an Overeaters Annonymous meeting, because it is exactly what I need.
Susan suggested I read my past posts instead and really comprehend what I wrote. I did, and I understand what Susan is saying. I think by coming to terms with the fact that I am a compulsive eater, I just might be able to get to the bottom of this compulsion and do something about it.
For years, I knew I binged, but it was something I kept a secret. Binges are horrid in all aspects. I don't even taste the food that's passing my lips, which is a shame, because I really love food. It's all about stuffing as much down my throat as I possibly can without vomiting. I had always said that if someone could identify the switch that takes me from eating normally to eating like a maniac, they would make a fortune. I think I have become to understand what turns that switch on. It is not one thing, but many things.
For some reason, the thought of being a binge eater was a lot easier for me to digest than the thought of me being a compulsive eater. Who me? Compulsive?
Susan, if you are reading this today you have probably uttered at least one "duh!" But self-realization is a hard pill to swallow.
But guess what? It's also a bit freeing. I have been fighting with myself for years, which has made me an angry person -- at least internally. Now that I know the diagnosis, I am going to fight like hell to make me healthy again -- this time from the inside out.
And now a quote from what is becoming my bible, Geneen Roth's Women Food and God. At 2 a.m. today, I read this sentence and a light went off in my brain:
"....eating compulsively is eating without regard to the body's cues; it therefore follows that when you develop the capacity to steer your attention back to your body, are aware of what it says and are wiling to listen to it, compulsuion falls away."