Guilt!

Karen has been my Weight Watchers leader -- off and on -- for more years than I care to admit. So when she gave it up last month, it became an issue for me.

I miss Karen and her sage advice, especially when I am in one of my diet "moods." So I emailed her yesterday, and once again, she gave me some words to ponder.

I asked her why I can be so good for so long, and then bam -- one day I wake up and start eating.

Karen, now speaking as what she calls a "civilian," says that when dieting, we eliminate things that we love eating -- something we can do for a time. Every now and then, Karen suggests you eat some of those non-diet foods. The key: You have to plan. Sure, it might extend your weight-loss journey, but it makes you happier.

"It may be slower but it helps manage any feelings of deprivation," Karen writes. "It seems to help me handle my portions and frequency of these kinds of things if I plan for them. I can look forward to them without the guilt."

It's the last word that hit me like a brick. Guilt. I sure have that when my eating is not stellar. And could it be the guilt that sends me into a dieting tizzy?

There are not enough shrinks in the world to make me understand my guilt. It comes from my childhood, growing up Catholic educated in a half Irish/Half Jewish neighborhood where everyone was guilty of some indiscretion daily -- usually more than once a day. In some odd way, it's comfort food for my soul. It's just that familiar. And we all know how comfort food can pack on the pounds.

I actually have never thought about how guilt has probably impacted my eating today. And I am certainly not going to dwell on it. Today, I am content to think about guilt, and to try to eliminate it from my being. It will probably be similar to cutting off my right arm, but hey, it's time to let go of that five-letter word.

It's time to stop feeling guilty. Guilt should be saved for the really bad things you do in life, certainly not eating a bag of Twizzlers. Instead, I will really try to plan for some diet bumps, recognize that they are part of life, and keep traveling down the good eating road. If I stay on course, I will eventually reach my goal. And if I eliminate guilt, when I get there, instead of being road weary, I will be wearing a big smile.

Guilt is not comfort; it is destructive.

So hard

Anyone who says dieting is a snap has never dieted. And yes, although my blog's name is telling me not to diet, face facts: A healthy eating plan that makes you lose weight is a diet.

And right now, it's been near impossible for me to stay on my eating plan. I wake up each morning determined to eat great, and by noon, all best intentions are gone.

Yesterday, I even started to go though some diet books again, because yet again, I am desperate.

I am boring myself. How many Monday mornings do I have to sit at my computer angry at myself? I should know better. If for no other reason, I need to shed pounds so that maybe I can ditch my CPAP machine, the cure for my sleep apnea and the mask I dread doning nightly.

So today, yet again, I start anew. And today, I am going to do one thing: drink eight glasses of water. No magic here. Just common sense.

Hake: My new fave fish

Thanks to Weight Watchers, I made the most amazing fish last night. So good, Jack said he wants it again -- high praise, believe me. And at 6 PointsPlus per serving, it fits in really well with my diet!

The recipe calls for cod, but Whole Foods had hake on sale yesterday, for the ridiculous price of $5.99 a pound. Hake, once called trash fish because no one wanted it, is really a wonderfully sweet, white fish. As fish prices keep going up, hake really can do great things for your food budget, and if you like cod, halibut, pollock of haddock, you'll love hake. I served it with brown rice and a saute of sugar snaps, scallions, garlic and ginger. I poured the extra sauce from the fish on the rice to power the taste up a notch.

MISO-GLAZED COD
1 1/2 lbs. cod, or other white sauce
1/4 cup miso paste
2 Tblsp. dark brown sugar
2 Tblsp. mirin
1 Tblsp ginger root, (I doubled the amount since I love ginger)
1 Tblsp. dark sesame oil
1/4 cup rice wine vinegar

* Place fish, skin-side down, in a broiler-proof pan.

* Place miso, sugar, mirin, ginger, oil and vinegar in a blender; blend until smooth. Pour glaze over cod and marinate in refrigerator for at least 30 minutes and up to 1 hour.

* Preheat broiler to high.

* Broil fish until topping turns golden brown and starts to caramelize, and fish is no longer translucent in middle, about 8 to 10 minutes. Makes 4 servings.

Who am I?

I'm reading Deepak Chopra's "The Seven Spiritual Laws of Yoga" very slowly, because I really am trying to absorb everything he is putting forth. Today, I read a page, and then meditated on it for 15 minutes.

Chopra instructs that you close your eyes, take several deep breaths, and then ask yourself every 15 seconds "Who am I?"

Of course the first things that popped into my mind were wife, mother, grandmother, my job. Question No. 6 was the one that almost made me cry because my answer was "serial dieter." And I am. Have been for more than four decades. How sick is this?

It makes me want to beat some sense into my thick brain.

Yesterday I admitted that last weekend, I wanted to eat EVERYTHING that wasn't nailed down, and unfortunately I did. Yesterday was a repeat of the weekend: I wanted to eat EVERYTHING again, but resisted the urge. Yesterday was miserable, because the battle within -- raging between Palin, my bad inner girl, and Hebzabah, the one who only eats well -- was extreme. After dinner, the girls in the family wanted ice cream, and Jack was almost on his way to the store when I told him I didn't want any. That broke the spell, and instead, I had a cup of tea and a Weight Watchers pop, which at 4 PointsPlus, fit into my daily total.

I woke up today with a smile on my face. And the first thing I did was pray that the battle within will not be as fierce as it was yesterday.

Aching knees!

We all have our reasons for losing weight: Clothes that fit, better health, more energy.

All good reasons. But here's another: A low body weight is vital for healthy joints in our lower body. For every extra pound of body weight we lug around, our hips and knee joints suffer five times the impact. Five extra pounds adds 25 pounds of impact every time you take a step.

I want to lose 35 pounds, which would mean my knees and hips would thank me for losing 175 pounds of impact. Too much to comprehend.

But I love that 5-pound figure. So that's my new goal. By the end of April, I will lose 5 pounds, but internally I will process that number as 25 pounds. When June 1st comes around, my total will be 10 -- but actually 50. I can easily do 5 pounds a month. And if I look at it this way, by Nov. 1, I will be at goal weight. That's just in time to turn my clothes over to all-winter outfits. And when I do, I will pack up my fat clothes, and off they will go to Goodwill.

Another great concept: A closet filled with one-size clothes.

What's wrong with me?

I've been asking myself this question all weekend. I've been in an out-of-control eating pattern, and absolutely nothing I did got me back on track.

And I have no excuse. The sun was shining, the snow has melted, and if I wanted, I could have taken a long walk.

I could blame it on my slightly sprained ankle, which has been hurting for about four weeks now. Not enough to make me limp, but enough to hurt when I walk. But this really is not an excuse because I CAN WALK. And I could go to the yoga study, but I've been afraid I would re-injure it. I have been doing my home practice, and that helps, but it's not enough.

My sprained ankle happened at the same time my walking buddy had foot surgery, so I've used this all as an excuse. And one excuse became another excuse until I find myself today, really not too happy with me.

So I have two choices: One, to continue doing what I have been doing, or two, to recommit to healthy eating and exercise. I'm choosing the latter.

Today, it's a new day, time to stop looking back and start looking ahead.

And here's my plan:
1. To write down everything that passes my lips.
2. To do a little exercise - maybe the one-mile walk with my buddy Leslie Sansone.
3. To drink lots of water today.

So I'm back to baby steps. But just writing this down is cathartic. And renewing. I have a plan. Now all I have to do is stick to it.

Water

There was a time when I had no problem drinking eight 8-ounce glasses of water each day. Recently, if I make four glasses I think I did well.

But do I really need that much? Complicated answer.

Daily, we lose water through our breath, perspiration, urine and bowel movements. For your body to function properly, you must replenish its water supply by consuming beverages and foods that contain water.

Heinz Valtin, MD, an emeritus professor at Dartmouth Medical School in Hanover, N.H., and an expert on hydration, wrote in the Journal of Physiology that there is no evidence that supports drinking eight glasses of water a day.

The Mayo Clinc tweaks this rule by saying we should drink eight 8-ounce glasses of fluids a day, since all fluids count toward the daily total. Mayo, like Dr. Valtin, says there is no scientific data to support the fact that we do need this much water, although they say it is an easy rule to remember and can serve as a guideline. With this guideline, coffee and tea would count to our fluid total.

The Institute of Medicine ups this rule a tad, advising men consume roughly 3 liters (about 13 cups) of total beverages a day and women consume 2.2 liters (about 9 cups) of total beverages a day.

Here's Mayo's rule: If you drink enough fluid so that you rarely feel thirsty and produce 1.5 liters (6.3 cups) or more of colorless or slightly yellow urine a day, your fluid intake is probably adequate.

I'm not about to measure my urine, but I will try to up my water intake because it keeps me full. In the middle of the day, when I could eat anything in sight, often a large glass of water might be all I need.

My main problem: I have to remember to reach for the water first before reaching for Twizzlers.