Guilt!

Karen has been my Weight Watchers leader -- off and on -- for more years than I care to admit. So when she gave it up last month, it became an issue for me.

I miss Karen and her sage advice, especially when I am in one of my diet "moods." So I emailed her yesterday, and once again, she gave me some words to ponder.

I asked her why I can be so good for so long, and then bam -- one day I wake up and start eating.

Karen, now speaking as what she calls a "civilian," says that when dieting, we eliminate things that we love eating -- something we can do for a time. Every now and then, Karen suggests you eat some of those non-diet foods. The key: You have to plan. Sure, it might extend your weight-loss journey, but it makes you happier.

"It may be slower but it helps manage any feelings of deprivation," Karen writes. "It seems to help me handle my portions and frequency of these kinds of things if I plan for them. I can look forward to them without the guilt."

It's the last word that hit me like a brick. Guilt. I sure have that when my eating is not stellar. And could it be the guilt that sends me into a dieting tizzy?

There are not enough shrinks in the world to make me understand my guilt. It comes from my childhood, growing up Catholic educated in a half Irish/Half Jewish neighborhood where everyone was guilty of some indiscretion daily -- usually more than once a day. In some odd way, it's comfort food for my soul. It's just that familiar. And we all know how comfort food can pack on the pounds.

I actually have never thought about how guilt has probably impacted my eating today. And I am certainly not going to dwell on it. Today, I am content to think about guilt, and to try to eliminate it from my being. It will probably be similar to cutting off my right arm, but hey, it's time to let go of that five-letter word.

It's time to stop feeling guilty. Guilt should be saved for the really bad things you do in life, certainly not eating a bag of Twizzlers. Instead, I will really try to plan for some diet bumps, recognize that they are part of life, and keep traveling down the good eating road. If I stay on course, I will eventually reach my goal. And if I eliminate guilt, when I get there, instead of being road weary, I will be wearing a big smile.

Guilt is not comfort; it is destructive.

Imaginary "friends"

Yesterday, I named my negative internal voice Pallin, my positive voice Hepzabah. But midday, just when I was about to eat something I shouldn't, I started thinking Pallin, and avoided temptation.

So now Pallin has just become my inner BAD voice, the one that tells me I really want that chocolate chip cookie. Yesterday it was Pallin -- in her oh so annoying voice -- telling me to eat that cookie, and since there is no way I would ever do what Pallin advised, I ate some grapes instead.

Could it be this easy? Probably not. But it certainly gave me pause yesterday because it worked. Will it work all the time? Probably not, but that's OK since I am not into perfection. But I am so into tricks, and as long as this works for me, I will use it. Over and over again.

The key for me was identifying a person whose ideas I abhor and make her my inner voice of "unreason." I disagree with just about everything she stands for, so why would I ever follow her advice when she's telling me to eat chocolate chip cookies? I put a face to my inner tormentor, and yesterday I loved the result.

And of course, there is no worry that I might start talking to myself. The least amount of time I spend with Sarah P, the happier I will be!

Simply yummy

Last night I had forgotten to defrost anything for dinner, it was snowing really hard, and I decided a little creativity was in order. I had a dozen eggs, so I checked out recipes on www.weightwaters.com and decided the Breakfast Enchilada could work. For me, having breakfast for dinner is all about comfort.

The result was excellent. For the wrap, I used Trader Joe's habanero chili wraps, which added the perfect amount of zest to the dish. This recipe is a keeper because it meets my three goals for a successful weekday meal: It's economical, easy to prepare and tasty. The fact that it is vegetarian is the cherry on this dish.

I was going to serve it with a salad, but just as I was about to pull out the greens, a recall warning for Stop & Shop's organic greens came over the TV. Scary, since I have been eating from this batch all week. But a side of roasted corn proved a perfect accompaniment to our meal. At only 6 PointsPlus per serving, there is no doubt in my mind that I will be making this meal very often.

BREAKFAST ENCHILADA
2 sprays) cooking spray
2 tsp. olive oil
2 medium scallions, chopped
1 small green peppers, seeded and chopped
1 medium tomatoes, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced (medium)
4 large egg whites
2 large eggs
1/2 cup low-fat shredded cheddar cheese
2 Tblsp. cilantro, fresh, chopped
1/4 tsp. table salt
1/4 tsp. black pepper, freshly ground
4 medium whole wheat tortillas
1/2 cups fat-free sour cream
1/2 cups salsa, medium or hot variety
* Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Coat a shallow baking dish with cooking spray.
* Heat oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Add scallions, green pepper, tomato and garlic; sauté 5 minutes. Add egg whites and whole eggs; cook until eggs are scrambled, about 3 minutes. Remove skillet from heat and stir in cheese, cilantro, salt and black pepper.
* Place a tortilla on a flat surface; spoon 1/4 of egg mixture onto center of tortilla and roll up tortilla. Fill remaining tortillas with remaining egg mixture, then place tortillas side-by-side in prepared baking dish; lightly coat with cooking spray.
* Bake until golden brown and tortilla ends are slightly crisp, about 10 minutes. Serve with sour cream and salsa spooned over top. Top each enchilada with 2 tablespoons of sour cream and 2 tablespoons of salsa. Makes 4 servings. 6 PointsPlus per serving.

2 recipes

I usually devote today's post to my Weight Watchers meeting, which I missed last night because of the SNOW. Mom Nature are you listening? Enough!

Since it took me three hours to get into work yesterday, I had to work late. But my reaction to missing my meeting was so unexpected: I was disappointed. And this is a good thing.

On the way home last night -- that only took 90 minutes -- I started to think about how I am not meeting the WW daily requirement of two dairy servings a day. Since I am lactose intolerant, I avoid milk, but always eat one yogurt. It's the second serving I am missing.

This morning, I made myself what I know will become my daily drink to get me going: 8 ounces of almond milk, frozen blueberries and strawberries, and a banana. I whipped it up in the blender, and the result was a 16-ounce smoothie worth 1 PointsPlus. What a treat.

My other recipe is for oatmeal, the biggest hit at last Sunday's brunch. I was silently laughing at my son and daughter, who were impressed with how good steel-cut Irish oatmeal is. When they were children, they would sit there and gag rather than eat their oatmeal. Have times changed!

Do I have time to make real oatmeal daily? Absolutely not. But I made so much of it Sunday, that I had enough leftovers for breakfast all week. Besides the flavor, the texture of steel cut oatmeal is chewy and more filling than the flakes we are used to. And at about 3 PointsPlus per 1/4 cup serving, I think it is worth the effort. For an extra treat -- and of course some added PointsPlus -- you can throw in some nuts.

VAL'S OATMEAL
4 cups water
1 cup steel-cut oatmeal
1/4 cup dried cherries
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 tsp. nutmeg
1/2 tsp. pure vanilla extract
2 Tblsp. pure maple syrup
* Bring water to a boil. Add oatmeal, cherries, cinnamon, nutmeg, vanilla and maple syrup, stir, and after oatmeal begins to thicken, about 5 minutes, lower heat to simmer.
* Cook uncovered for about 30 minutes, or until the oatmeal reaches your desired consistency.

Testing, testing!

I am both looking forward to -- and dreading -- the next four days. Starting tonight, the challenges start coming, one after another.

Tonight and Saturday I will be eating in a restaurant. And although I know I can order what I think is healthy, in most cases, the food will be loaded with hidden ingredients (fat, salt, sugar, the holy trio of cooking). Saturday we are all descending on the restaurant where my son-in-law is chef. Monday I asked him what I can order that will keep me on my diet, and although he thought long and hard, he honestly said nothing. He was kidding -- sort of. He knows how I am cooking now, and he knows that when he adds a little of this or that it not only adds to the flavor, it adds to the calorie count. Of course, I can special order something, and he will oblige.

Which leads me to today's point: There really is no reason why I should dread eating out. It's all about having the gumption to speak up. Whatever excuse you give the server, believe me he or she has heard it before. If you don't want to admit you are dieting -- which by the way everyone is -- tell him or her that you are allergic to some foods and need something cooked a certain way. If you say it with a smile and respect, your wish will become reality.

Of course, if you're dining at Burger King, this isn't going to work. But in a non-chain restaurant, this is your right. You are there to have an enjoyable meal, and to eat the food.

Tomorrow, I'll let you know how all this works, because tonight, I don't know the chef in the kitchen. But what I did was check out the menu and have narrowed my dinner down to two options:
Seafood Bouillabaisse: Scallops, clams, shrimp, mussels, calamari, mixed seasonal vegetables, steamed in curry fish soup OR
Grilled Tuna Salad: Mixed green salad with grilled tuna, mango, tomato, pineapple, Sesame seeds and teriyaki dressing.

Today, I am eating lightly, with a heavy concentration on greens, fruit, a little protein and some oatmeal. When I get to dinner tonight, I will have 20 Weight Watchers PointsPlus to blow, and I'm sure I'll blow them all. BUT -- and it's a big one -- if I make it through tonight, I will prove something to myself.

Tonight is my test. Let's hope my hatred of failing pulls me through.

Comments

For some reason, the following comment -- all the way from India -- will not show up as a comment. But I wanted to thank the person who wrote this, and tell you how much your sweet comments meant to me. Here is what s/he wrote:

Can I just say, this blog is what got me through the day today. Every time I read it, I just get more and more excited about what's next. Very refreshing blog and very refreshing ideas. I'm glad that I came across this when I did. I love what you've got to say and the way you say it. The information in this blog is really a appreciated. I would really like to say that the knowledge you have about this is quiet impressive. But the main thing here is the way to present the information, and you have done it very nicely. Great work and love to visit on your blog again and again. Keep posting nice information.

How many times can I say thank you! This comment made my day -- actually made my year.

When people ask me why I write I blog, I tell them it's to keep me honest, to keep me on track, and to hopefully make me stick to a diet. I write it for me, but when I get comments, I realize that I am also hitting a nerve with others, that we really are not alone, and that so many of us -- all over the world -- have issues with diet, weight, exercise, self-image, motivation -- I can go on and on.

None of us is in this alone. Some of the most gorgeous people on Earth feel insecure, as evidence by Portia De Rossi's new book, "Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain." I caught her appearance on Oprah, and cried right along with her, as she told her story of anorexia.

And then I thought back to this lovely comment I received -- and so many other comments from so many people over the past 18 months -- and decided that I am one of the luckiest people alive. What I started as a blog just for me, has put me in contact with so many people this past year I never would have met. And may we all win our struggle -- whatever it is.

Self-love

For years, I have been receiving daily e-mail meditations from www.meditationsforwomen.com. They are inspiring and grounding. Some days I delete them before reading, because I am just too busy. Of course, those are the days I should be reading them most. They are short, but in most cases, powerful. And they are free.

The following information comes from one of the site's weekly articles, much longer than the meditations, but equally informative. The topic is self-love, something I am beginning to realize just might be the key to dieting success. Because if you really think about weight, if you really, really loved yourself, wouldn't you want your body to function at it's optimal level, which means feeding it only nourishing foods? As a mother, I never gave my children everything they wanted because they would have grown up to be people I would never want to be around. They had limitations, but we made those limitations because we loved them dearly and only had their best interests at heart. I would never let my kids eat a package of Twizzlers in one sitting. Then why should I let myself?

As a child, I memorized that Christ wanted me to love others as I love myself. In reality, self-love was mixed with a heaping does of guilt, and the true way was to put the feelings of others before mine. For me, it became a recipe for self-loathing.

Enough about me: On to the practical advice from Jane Powell's Meditations for Women. And maybe, if I take this information to heart, I'll be able to let go of some of the baggage from my childhood! She claims the formula to achieve self love is a only three easy steps. I don't know about you, but I have learned easy steps don't always translate into an easy plan of action.

1. Let go of what others think of you. This is something that often grips at your heart. It is easier if you step back and get a really big view. How important is it really? Take a couple of deep breaths and ask yourself the magic question, "How much will this matter in a week, month, year or more?" Answer truthfully and you might decide that it was not as important as your first reaction indicated.

2. Acknowledge yourself for your gifts. You are the only 'YOU' there is. No one is exactly like you. Make a list of 10 things that are special about you. Now do this every day for a week. By week's end you will have 70 different things you appreciate about yourself. If you get stuck ask others for ideas. What do they see? What do they appreciate about you? If you have never asked this question of others get ready to be happily surprised.

3. Be Happy. Do, at least, one thing each day that makes you smile. Who do you prefer to be around? Someone who is grumpy or happy? Be the person you want to be around. It makes loving yourself much easier. Even really small mini changes here can bring huge results. Watch a funny program and laugh. Post smiling faces all over the house to remind you that when you smile stress is released. No one around to hug you? Give yourself a big bear hug and say "I love you."

Easy? Number two already has me stumped! But I've printed three copies of these steps. One is in my wallet, one for my computer at home, and the third for my computer at work.

5.3

About those three meals a day with no snacks – sometimes it’s really hard. Even with the best intentions, a bag of peanuts somehow made it through the check-out and into my bag at a truck stop on I-95 Sunday. OK – I was bored. And yes, I did share my peanuts. And of course I could have been horrid and added the pack of Twizzlers I was eyeing.

But I would have felt better if I had left the package right where it belonged: At the check-out counter. (Of course, I could blame the truck stop for putting the peanuts out there, so easy to grab while I was buying my virtuous bottle of water. Guess everyone is conspiring against me!)

Truth be told: I wasn’t even hungry. Just bored. 95 can do that to me, especially when I am not driving.

Anyway, I came across this article posted on Everyday Health, which gives some tips for fighting hunger. I would say they work for boredom as well, because in my whole life, I have thankfully never been dying from hunger, something most of us in our well-fed worlds would have to admit if we are being honest.

So here are some strategies put forth by Everyday Health. Nothing new here. But right now, I need reinforcement.

• Get enough lean protein and fiber. A study of 22 men who changed the amount of protein in their diets for 18-day periods showed that those who ate the least protein were the most likely to report being hungry. “Protein is the number one thing to help you feel full," says Emily Banes, RD, clinical dietitian at Houston Northwest Medical Center. "The second thing is fiber."
• Eat a rainbow of fruits and vegetables. Researchers tracked the weight-loss success of 71 obese women between 20 and 60 years of age on a low-fat diet. Half of the women were also told to increase their fruit and vegetable intake. At the end of one year, both groups of women had lost weight, but the women who ate the most fruits and veggies reported the greatest weight loss and were less likely to say they felt hungry on any given day. In fact, when the researchers crunched the data, they found that whether the women reported feeling hungry frequently predicted their ability to lose weight. Other studies have shown that changing your eating habits to focus on these water- and fiber-rich foods will help you maintain weight loss for up to six years.
• Sip soup. Adding two low-calorie soups to your diet every day could stave off hunger pangs and keep you satisfied longer. Choose soups that are broth-based, not cream-based, to reduce the calorie count; also look for soups that are low in sodium. Consider chunky, pureed vegetable soups, as they have been shown to produce the most lasting full feeling. Timing your soup so that you have it before a meal also reduces the amount you eat at that meal by about 20 percent, according to a study of 53 overweight adults.
• Eat whole grains. A serving of whole grains will stick with you longer than a serving of refined wheat bread or any other refined flour product, for that matter. Most refined flour is white and often bleached.
• Pick “airy” snacks. If you must snack and you don't have a piece of fruit or a veggie tray on hand, choose the snack food that has more air in it — think cheese puffs instead of potato chips, rice cakes instead of cookies. You will feel just as full as you would if you ate the same serving size of another snack, but you will consume fewer calories on average.
• Another way to fight off hunger is to develop a “low-energy density” eating plan. This means that you can eat a large quantity of foods that do not have a high calorie count. Learning about portion sizes and counting calories is one way to approach this, but you can also try the plate method, which dictates that half your plate be full of veggies, one-quarter dedicated to a starch (preferably whole grain), and one-quarter to a lean protein.
• And speaking of plates, it's worth noting that a study of 45 adults demonstrated that the oft-repeated advice to eat on a smaller plate if you want to feel like you have more food in front of you actually has no effect on the amount you eat at a meal (if you are serving yourself) or your feeling of being full. So, if you prefer, you can go back to eating on your good china — just make sure to emphasize lean proteins, fruits, and veggies.

Ha! I knew that small plate thing doesn't work. Eating on a small plate just makes me feel deprived. It's much better to fill the plate with salad greens if it looks bare.

Bloodroot: A very special place

Saturday was a lovely day. Our soon-to-be bride, Kara, had her first fitting -- and she looked so beautiful, so grown-up, so perfect, of course the tears flowed. Next, I got to see our daughter-in-law, Kim, in her bridesmaid's dress, and all I could think of was how happy we will all be in just a few weeks.

And then we visited designer Jennifer Butler in downtown Fairfield, who reassured me that she can easily make my mother-0f-the-bride dress by the wedding. What a relief. And what fun. I've never had a dress custom-made for me before.

For lunch, we headed to Bloodroot, a vegetarian restaurant tucked away on a side street in the Black Rock section of Bridgeport. It is right on the water, and although the gale-force winds made it difficult to walk from the parking lot into the restaurant, once inside, it was warm and comforting.

Tomorrow, I am going to share a recipe from our lunch, but today I want to focus on a sign hanging in the restaurant. I wish I had taken down the words, but the essence of the message is that women have been oppressed and bombarded with negative body image messages for too long, and when you read the menu, please don't comment on calorie count or ask what foods are the least fattening.

I applauded the sign, and told owner Selma Miriam how much I loved it. Her honest reply: "We just make healthy food."

Powerful message, Selma. And exactly how we all should approach eating. Sunday, I spent a lot of time thinking about that message. I was also reminded by blog reader Ann Blystone that the way I am eating now is not a diet, but a lifestyle change.

I am fine for now, dedicated to only eating healthy foods in small portions. But what happens once Kara gets married and the need to lose weight flies out the window? I'm praying that does not happen, but I am a creature of habit, and that has been my M.O. Lose weight. Gain weight. Lose weight. Gain weight. Yadda. Yadda. Yadda.

Can this old dog be taught new tricks?