Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Letting go

I finally made a New Year's resolution that is as strong as it was on Jan 1: To lose weight in the most healthy way I possibly can. I also knew I needed help.

I began seeing a hypnotherapist in February. For some, hypnotherapy is an immediate fix. For me, it has taken months, probably because of some deep-seeded baggage I have been carrying around for years. I identified two major issues: One, too personal for me to share in print, the other, an issue I think many of us face: our mothers.

I am not about to mom-bash, because honestly, she was a wonderful mother. But she wanted me, her only child, to be perfect, and for her that meant I had to be thin, gracious and gorgeous. After all, she was.

But she was also petite; I took after my dad. In sixth grade I was 5'6" tall and weighed 96 pounds. Mom decided that was too much for a sixth-grader to weigh, and put me on my first diet. In high school, she steered me to Weight Watchers, the original diet that let you eat just about nothing. I remember meals of farmer's cheese, chicken and iceberg lettuce. I was tall and skinny, but I thought I weighed a ton because mom told me I weighed too much. I was my adult height, 5'10" and weighed 130 pounds.

In college I discovered beer, and yes I gained the freshman 15 -- but I what I remember most about college were Aids, candy chews I would eat before every meal to make me eat less. Most days, Aids were my meal. Other days, I binged.

Yo-yoing? It was my normal, one that has continued throughout my life. I have also spent too much time and energy blaming my mother for creating my eating disorder, and although she was the catalyst, I knew how to drive that engine.

Through hypnotism I have let it all go. Now, when I think about my mother, I think only kind thoughts and imagine her playing with my children, the activity she enjoyed most in her golden years. I see her glorious smile and personality. I see her loving me as I know she did. Negative thoughts are gone.

And since I let this all go, the weight is beginning to finally come off. I haven't binged in months, and that is a major accomplishment. I have a long way to go, but I know it is only a matter of time before I will be at my goal.

As one of my hypno-CDs says at the end:
I like this!
This works for me!
This is better than it used to be!
And the weight takes care of itself....

Here's to letting go.

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