Here I go again

Thursday, as my massage therapist was kneading my muscles, she confessed that she just started Weight Watchers. This divorced, single mom has had it with the way she looks and decided to take control of her life.

I applauded her decision, and when she asked me if I ever tried WW, I hesitated, because my WW attempts to lose weight have not been like Jennifer Hudson's. But I decided to tell her why I left the last time.

The newest plan lets you eat as much fruit as you want. Of course, the parenthesis tell you to eat in serving sizes, but if you allow someone with a weight problem to eat all the fruit they want, they just might.

I did. I ate a watermelon. Not the small round seedless variety. I ate the big seeded one, and it took me less than an hour to chip away at all that red flesh. If I had stopped there I might have been OK. But I ate all manner of fruit that week in quantities many people would never eat in a year.

When I got on the scale that week, I gained .2 pounds. My leader asked me how my week was. I confessed to the watermelon, and she told me that actually there is nothing wrong with that, that my body is simply getting used to a new way of eating. She did suggest that I try to stick to fruit portions, but added that if I was going to reach for anything sweet, fruit is the way to go.

That was my last week at WW. I am a compulsive eater, and eating a watermelon is not right. Period. I wanted her to tell me that.

But as I was relating this story to my massage therapist, I realized that I was angry at WW. And it's not WW's fault. It's mine.

When i got home from my massage, the first thing I did was to sign up for WW online. I've been to enough meetings.

The WW app is on my iPhone, and three times a day I get a reminder to record what I have eaten. It's better than the weekly meetings. That alone has kept me honest this weekend.

About this weekend: I lost 6 pounds since Friday. Of course, those are the six pounds I gained recently on a three-week vacation, but at least the scale is going down.

And although I find myself dieting once again, doing Weight Watchers the way I am doing it really could be a way of life. This weekend I attended a baby shower and ate out twice, and I still managed to shed some pounds.

That translates into success. Plus, I've stopped being angry at WW.

Word power

Researchers at Boston College and the University of Houston found that dieters who say "I don't" when asked if they want a slice of pie are more likely not to eat that pie than dieter's who say "I can't" or  those who "just say 'no.' "

The study was small, however the researchers say the "I don't" participants had greater success than the other two groups because they felt empowered and in control after uttering those words. And this group also said they felt they would continue this experiment because of their success.

So today, I am giving this  a try.  It's certainly easy enough to do. Plus it's free, an unusual concept in the world of diets.

And when I really think about it, saying "I don't" is something many of us do all the time. I don't want to step on the scale. I don't want to diet. I don't want to exercise. But I know I should.

In most cases, it has a negative connotation. And eating foods that I know are not healthy is one of the most negative things I can do for my body.

So, "I don't" it is.

All about ME

I got an email from a friend yesterday that made me laugh -- yes, out loud!

She is having trouble with chocolate and has asked ME for help. I must also add that this friend is my most disciplined one -- she can actually have a box of chocolates in her home and eat only one a day. But recently, she says, her chocolate eating is out of control.

Did I also mention she is very thin?

I've been through this with her in the past, and her out-of-control eating is usually having two pieces of chocolate each day. To her, that's horrid. I think not, but it's her reality, and it makes her crazy.

And I know what she needs: a pep talk about how she really has improved her eating habits the last few years, and she needs to look at her diet as a whole and applaud the good things she is doing to make herself healthy.

But as I was thinking about what I am going to say to her today, I started to think of my own diet. I also began to think about how hard I am on myself -- that when I take a break and eat something I know I shouldn't, Ms. Negativity starts rearing her ugly head, I start feeling like a failure, and guess what: I throw all caution aside and usually start an eating binge.

I'll be a s positive as I can be when I give my friend her pep talk. So what if I started to treat ME like a friend? If I stray -- and I know I will -- instead of looking at ME as a total failure, what if I did the opposite and pumped ME up? Told ME what I had just done is human, and shows I am not perfect. Instead of starting an eating binge, why not convince ME that ME really wants to lose weight and eat mostly healthy food. Tell ME that these food bumps in the road will come and go. It's what's after the bumps that will either keep ME on track, or derail me sometimes for months.

So, now my eating disorder has a name: ME. I need to be kinder to ME.

The all-important first meal

I've never been a fan of breakfast. Probably because I don't especially like eggs, and because I am allergic to milk, cereal has never held much interest. Of course, if I could have a stack of pancakes each morning, I would. But I can't.

But everything I read says that to diet successfully you have to eat breakfast. This week's experiment was to do just that. Eggs really do fill me up, so I gritted my teeth Monday morning and made myself two eggs, loaded with scallions, basil, mushrooms, grated ginger and a touch of tarragon. There was hardly room for the eggs, which was fine with me.

I set a placemat down complete with cloth napkin, and sat at our kitchen bar slowly eating my eggs. I did not stand and gulp them down as I usually do. I sat and savored every bite.

Today was my fourth day on the experiment. But today I limited the egg to one to see if this will get me through the morning. So far, so good, and I am more than halfway through the morning.

But the really important lesson: I never once thought about food any morning this week. Usually, around 10 a.m., I am looking at the clock, counting the minutes until lunch. This week, I was eating lunch around 1:30 p.m., simply because I was not hungry.

So maybe there really is something to breakfast after all.

Bright idea!

All day yesterday I thought about what I wrote that morning. Great sign. But right before bedtime, I started to think about another list I should make.

Why do I want to lose weight? Many people my age decide to give up and accept their bulges. I am definitely not one of them. I really, really do want to lose weight.

But to do so, perhaps I need to verbalize the why. So here goes:

1. Health. Always health. Especially as we age, the yo-yoing is just not healthy.
2. My closet. It's big. 9x12, which makes it a room. But I have no room for all my clothes. I still have to turn it over seasonally because I have at least 5 sizes of clothes. That's insane. My dream: One closet, all my clothes on view, in one size.
3. My looks. I really am not a vain person, but I really hate the way I look now.
4. My stamina. When I eat better I have more energy.
5. My feet. I have lots of feet issues, and I am sure the extra pounds have a lot to do with my aching feet.
6. Ditto my knees. Although they do not hurt as much as my feet, they hurt.
7. My self-esteem. When I am thinner, I have a lot more self-confidence and I like myself better.
8. Yoga. When I am thinner, my body transitions through the poses better.
9. IBS. I just wrote a magazine article about Irritiable Bowel Syndrome, and halfway through my interviews I realized I have been suffering from this for years. And I know what aggravates it for me: wheat and dairy. So give those things up, already.
10. My grandchildren. I want to have the stamina to crawl on the floor, ride bikes and play sports with them.

An even 10. I am sure with a little more thought I can add to the list, but this is a start. I'm printing it out, and carrying it around with me. When I am tempted to eat something I shouldn't, if I whip out the list, maybe it will give me the strength to resist.

It's spring!

I love what spring symbolizes: Rebirth and a time for new beginnings. Sounds like the perfect time to get serious about healthy eating.

Yesterday I wrote about consistency, so why not consider this season as my month to be consistent, to eat healthy every day now through June 21 -- three months for me to develop terrific, new habits.

This morning, an e-blast from Kripalu arrived with this suggestion: Spend 15 minutes writing about what I need to accept about my life right now. That seems like the perfect exercise to assess what I am thinking and the direction I need to take.

So here goes:
1. I am definitely not at the weight I want to be.
2. Many of the clothes in my closet that I am dying to wear do not fit.
3. Until I lose weight, my fat clothes are it.
4. My foot still hurts, but I need to stop using that as my excuse not to exercise. I just have to be aware of my foot issue and go slowly.

Now for the good things about my life.
1. I am one of the luckiest women in the world: I have a wonderful family, a true support system that I can turn to whenever I need help. I need to use them more often.
2. I no longer have to go to an office to work. What freedom that is. My office is in my home. I am working for two fine editors, and I love getting up each morning to work on the articles I am doing for them. My work is my passion once again, and for that I am forever thankful.
3. Yoga and meditation: They keep me grounded.
4. I have to stop being so hard on myself. Eating healthy is a journey, and I plan to take it one day at a time this spring.

I need to also remember that there is only one person in the world that has control over what goes in my mouth.

Another Monday

Yet again, I am starting over. Hate this.

Sure, life is all about do overs, but honestly, enough is enough. Today, I woke up determined to eat only great things today, and so far, so good.

But I am only halfway through the day.

Even I know that losing weight is not about one day. It's about a string of days, all filled with only good food and lots of exercise that will get me to my goal.

One day? That's only a start. Consistency is what counts. Seven days a week, for many months. They say it takes at least a month to develop a new habit, but once that month is over, the habit is with you to stay. I do buy into this philosophy when it comes to most things. Not eating. For me, it takes more than a month.

It will take the rest of my life.

I just reread what I wrote, and I felt as if I was slapped in my face. Yes, to lose weight, and to keep it off, will be a lifelong battle.DUH! However, there is no better day than today to begin.

If I wait till next week, Monday the 26th will be another do over. I really don't want that to happen.