Fresh beginnings

I look a tad better than I did this time last week. And see, there is a beginning of a smile on my face.

I am finally understanding the power of photos. I have always hid in photos. I'm the one in the last row or grabbing a child to sit on my lap or hold in my arms. And I ask you: Who am I kidding?

When I look at myself in a mirror, I look at my face -- real close -- so I don't have to see how round it's become. I never look at my body -- and if I do, again it's real close, so I don't actually see how all the rolls of fat.

Pictures don't lie. And although this weekly exercise is one of the more painful I have ever done in my life, it's important for me to see myself as other people see me. What I should have done is take pictures from each angle -- but I really need baby steps here. Full-frontal is about all I can manage right now.

I am facing one of my great fears -- pictures -- head-on. I'm not liking what I see, but what a chronicle!

A dose of reality

Years ago I read that if you want to get to the bottom of what's bugging you, it's time to make a list.

So here's what I did. At the top of the page I wrote:
"The Results of Compulsive Eating."

Then I stared at it for a long time, before I started to write down all the negative things that will happen to me if I continue to binge eat. We're talking worse-case scenario here.

I am not going to bore you with my whole list, because it took up one side of an 8 1/2-by-11-inch piece of paper. The top three will show the direction I was headed:
1. heart disease
2. diabetes
3. cancer

As you can see, those three would be enough to make anyone sit up and take notice.

It's the next part of this exercise that is so very important: Reframing, looking at the worst possible outcomes of any situation and deciding whether you can live with these outcomes. In most cases, when the issue is minor, you can, which makes you feel less stress and helps you solve the problem.

In this case, I could live with these issues -- but not one of them is something I would want to be facing. So I better reframe my emotions in order to get on with my life.

Now this is really important: By writing down the consequences of binging elevated binging to a different plain. All of a sudden binging is not about the moment -- it's really about how that moment is impacting my life, not only now, but in years to come.

By making that list, I was confronting binging in a way I had never done before. For the first time, it was not about an uncontrollable behavior. It was about what that uncontrollable behavior was doing to my body.

That list scared me. Whether it scared me enough to never binge again is something only time will prove. But I do know that list will never be far from my grasp. I made copies of it, and put it in strategic places, the places where binging always begins.

That list is my motivator for change. Right now, it's giving me faith in my ability to cope with binging.

Recipe time!

One thing I have not done enough of in this blog is share recipes. Now is the perfect time to start, because although I am being really careful with what goes into my mouth, I need interest in my diet. My food's got to taste good.

Last night I whipped together I really terrific quick salsa to top my grilled grass-fed-non-antibiotic-containing-93-percent-lean hamburger without the bun. I have cut out sugar -- so ketchup right now is out. I am also not eating any fake sugars -- so sugarless ketchup is not an option. So what to put on my burger? This salsa.

Thank goodness I had a can of Muir Glen no-salt fire-roasted diced tomatoes in my pantry. Here's my recipe, although I would advise using it as simply a base and adding the veggies you love. What I used was in my fridge.

VAL'S SALSA
1 15-ounce can Muir Glen no-salt fire-roasted diced tomatoes, drained
2 garlic cloves, finely minced
4 scallions, green and white parts, diced
1/2 green pepper, diced
1 jalapeno, seeded and diced (adjust according to how hot you like it)
Zest of one lime
Juice of one lime
1/4 cup cilantro leaves, diced
Just mix everything together. You might want to wear plastic gloves when preparing the jalapeno.

P.S. It is so good, I wish I had doubled the recipe, because I know it will be topping lots of my food this week -- fish, poultry, even scrambled eggs.

Hard on myself

Reading over yesterday's post, one thing stood out: I am very hard on myself. I need to start a campaign of self-loving, of showing the respect and consideration to myself that I show to other people.

Guess I better lose some weight really quickly, because that is really the way to my heart. Time to get a handle on my compulsive eating.

I just did a search on eating compulsive/binge eating -- and it's actually one of the big three eating disorders -- right up there with anorexia and bulimia. How come I didn't know that?

It seems that people like me have issues understanding and distinguishing various feelings and needs. If we are bored, angry, stressed, tired or disappointed, we experience these feelings as hunger. And so we try to fix these feelings with food, thinking it will make us feel better. That quick fix.

But wait: Where does that quick fix leave me? Sometimes 2 to 3 pounds fatter, which just compounds those feelings of disappointment, anger and tiredness. Vicious circle? The worst.

Time for me to get off this merry-go-round. Of course, everything I read says I need help -- psychotherapist, drugs or maybe even an extensive treatment program.

I need to find another way. I'm not opposed to seeking help; I just want to try to work this out myself, because in the long run, I can't be using crutches. I know what started my eating issues, and I'm too old to focus all my attention on blaming mom. She was a wonderful mother. She just thought that bones showing was attractive and told me so from the time I could walk.

Today, when faced with a food I should ignore, I am going to look at it and say "killer." Because if I keep eating the way I am, that is exactly what these foods will do to me. Graphic enough? We'll see.

I'll also be one of those people with a bottle of water in my hand everywhere I go. If I want to eat, I'll take a sip. Or a gulp, depending on what food is calling my name.

Compulsive Eating

I have admitted before that I am a compulsive eater, that I know I have an eating disorder -- the same addiction that plagues alcoholics and drug addicts.

I am not talking about anorexia or bulimia -- neither pertains to my issues. I am talking about my inability to stop eating once I start. Nothing anyone says can derail me. Once I start, watch out. And once it ends, I not only feel physically horrid, emotionally I am a wreck.

I know thin people look at me with disdain, asking themselves why I have no will power. They assume many things, including:
1. I am not a strong person.
2. I don't care about how I look.
3. I am a failure.

None of those three items is true. I am an extremely strong person in most other aspects of my life, although when I am at the point I am now, insecurities start impacting my life.

I do care about how I look, but when I am eating uncontrollably, I am not thinking about lovely clothes.

Failure? I have a wonderful husband and three terrific, educated, thriving adult children, who all chose exceptional mates to spend their lives with. Failure? I think not.

So what is it that keeps me from dropping weight? I'm not sure, but I think this blog is going to be the perfect place for me to try to figure this all out.

What did I do?

It was very scary opening my blog this morning to see my fat body staring out at me. What is really sad is that I thought I was smiling when Jack took my picture. I guess I am in pretty bad shape internally as well.

Time to fix that.

We are planning a trip to Tuscany next summer, and I swear I am not going to Italy in fat clothes, if for no other reason than they take up too much space in my luggage.

Weight Watchers is a wonderful diet, but this losing .2 pounds a week is really getting me down. It's a wonderful maintenance plan, and when I finally lose the weight, I will keep attending meetings.

But right now I need desperate measures, which I swore I would never again result to. What I am basically doing right now is the old Weight Watchers -- really restrictive but healthy. I am eating lean protein -- mostly chicken and fish, with a little red meat from time to time -- lots of green vegetables, and limiting myself to three pieces of fruit a day. But I am counting the veggies and fruits into my daily PointsPlus, something you do not have to do on the new plan.

I love the new plan. And one day, I hope it can be the way I eat. But it's not working for me. Bottom line: I have an eating disorder. Tell me I can have all the fruit I want, and portions be dammed. I think that info hit me when I ate a whole watermelon recently. I am not talking about the seedless varieties that run small. I'm talking about the watermelon with seeds, almost impossible to find, that weigh more than a small child. Unfortunately, that watermelon was just one of the fruits I consumed that day. There was also bananas, strawberries, an apple and a peach.

Is there any wonder why I am not losing weight? It's not a good thing to tell a compulsive eater that she can eat something to her heart's content, unless that something is celery or iceberg lettuce.

Right now, I don't want choices. I want to get up each morning and not think about food. I want to know that each day I will have a salad that contains grilled chicken or shrimp and an apple, and for dinner, a green vegetable, some protein, and another piece of fruit for dessert. Because I really dislike breakfast, fruit is my new way to go. If I am feeling energetic, I might make a whey fruit smoothie. And if I am famished, which for some reason I have not been since I started eating this way on Monday, I will have a few pieces of Melba toast, because I will never overeat those. Sort of like eating cardboard.

I have not got on the scale this week -- Monday morning was too much of a shock to my psyche -- but I will this coming Monday. I also did something I haven't done for years: took my measurements. I will also do that every Monday, because losing inches is so much more important than what the scale is telling me.

I'm back! Let's see how far I get this time.

Two months gone

It seems like a year, but it's only been two months since I last posted. And what a two months it has been, eating everything in sight, packing on the pounds, and really feeling like such a failure.

Is there a reason for my actions? Not at all. My life is terrific, everyone is healthy, and I have nothing to complain about. So what has happened to me?

If I knew, then I wouldn't be fat. If I knew, I could make a million dollars, telling everyone the secret to being thin. If I knew, I would be able to step off this diet merry-go-round once and for all.

Unfortunately, I have no idea. But on Monday, I started eating normally again, and once again, I am praying I can keep this up. We'll see.

The reason I posted a picture: I hate the way I look right now, and seeing my fat body in print is incentive enough to keep me eating correctly. In fact, I plan on posting a new picture once a week, to chronicle my journey.

I'm back to posting on my blog. Because one thing I do know: I cannot lie in print.