Hard on myself

Reading over yesterday's post, one thing stood out: I am very hard on myself. I need to start a campaign of self-loving, of showing the respect and consideration to myself that I show to other people.

Guess I better lose some weight really quickly, because that is really the way to my heart. Time to get a handle on my compulsive eating.

I just did a search on eating compulsive/binge eating -- and it's actually one of the big three eating disorders -- right up there with anorexia and bulimia. How come I didn't know that?

It seems that people like me have issues understanding and distinguishing various feelings and needs. If we are bored, angry, stressed, tired or disappointed, we experience these feelings as hunger. And so we try to fix these feelings with food, thinking it will make us feel better. That quick fix.

But wait: Where does that quick fix leave me? Sometimes 2 to 3 pounds fatter, which just compounds those feelings of disappointment, anger and tiredness. Vicious circle? The worst.

Time for me to get off this merry-go-round. Of course, everything I read says I need help -- psychotherapist, drugs or maybe even an extensive treatment program.

I need to find another way. I'm not opposed to seeking help; I just want to try to work this out myself, because in the long run, I can't be using crutches. I know what started my eating issues, and I'm too old to focus all my attention on blaming mom. She was a wonderful mother. She just thought that bones showing was attractive and told me so from the time I could walk.

Today, when faced with a food I should ignore, I am going to look at it and say "killer." Because if I keep eating the way I am, that is exactly what these foods will do to me. Graphic enough? We'll see.

I'll also be one of those people with a bottle of water in my hand everywhere I go. If I want to eat, I'll take a sip. Or a gulp, depending on what food is calling my name.