Mind games

This month, my book group at my yoga studio is reading Geneen Roth's "Women Food and God." I haven't underlined sentences and dog-eared pages this much since I was in school.

Gradually, what she is saying is sinking in. But when I read the following -- Eat with your body, not your mind -- something hit home, and why I eat is finally beginning to make sense.

That sentence got me thinking about food and its effect on my body. I am allergic to wheat. Not gluten. Wheat. It brings on symptoms of asthma. I know this. And when I start wheezing and begin to feel listless, I know I have to stop eating wheat.

BUT WHY DO I EAT IT AT LAA? I KNOW IT DOES HORRID THINGS TO MY BODY. You would think that that alone would keep me from eating wheat.

And then there is dairy. Too much of it, and my nose clogs up. But that's not all it does to me. Each time I eat dairy, I have to take something to counteract its effects. Same thing for beans: Without Beano you really don't want to be around me.

Monday, I began an experiment.For three days, I have only eaten meat, poultry, fish, eggs and lots of fruits and veggies. I use olive or walnut oil sparingly on my salads, and I eat mindfully -- when my body tells me I'm hungry not at a specific time. (That's another Geneen rule.)

And after three days I am beginning to feel less congested, although my eyes are still watery and red and my nose is still clogged. But I'm beginning to feel a lightness in my chest, and my breathing has definitely improved.

And I have a ton more energy. And this is after only three days.

And did I mention I dropped three pounds. That's a pound a day.

I want to also make it clear that I am not measuring or weighing my food, but eating sensible portions, asking myself after each bite it I am full yet.

I asked Jack this morning if he thinks I can sustain this way of eating, and he couldn't say "no" fast enough. He's probably right, which makes me sad.

But one other thing I am learning from Geneen: It's time for me to stop putting the needs of everyone else before mine. It's time for me to listen to what my body is telling me. And it's time for me to stop listening to my mind, because for some reason, my mind really loves all things wheat, dairy and sugar.

In the old days, I would have been told to write the following 100 times, and then maybe it will sink in. Instead, I think these next seven words will become my new meditation mantra, to be repeated often throughout the day. Eat with my body, not my mind.

Another thanks...

...this time to my friend Susan, who talked me down yesterday. I had decided that this Sunday morning I was going to attend an Overeaters Annonymous meeting, because it is exactly what I need.

Susan suggested I read my past posts instead and really comprehend what I wrote. I did, and I understand what Susan is saying. I think by coming to terms with the fact that I am a compulsive eater, I just might be able to get to the bottom of this compulsion and do something about it.

For years, I knew I binged, but it was something I kept a secret. Binges are horrid in all aspects. I don't even taste the food that's passing my lips, which is a shame, because I really love food. It's all about stuffing as much down my throat as I possibly can without vomiting. I had always said that if someone could identify the switch that takes me from eating normally to eating like a maniac, they would make a fortune. I think I have become to understand what turns that switch on. It is not one thing, but many things.

For some reason, the thought of being a binge eater was a lot easier for me to digest than the thought of me being a compulsive eater. Who me? Compulsive?

Susan, if you are reading this today you have probably uttered at least one "duh!" But self-realization is a hard pill to swallow.

But guess what? It's also a bit freeing. I have been fighting with myself for years, which has made me an angry person -- at least internally. Now that I know the diagnosis, I am going to fight like hell to make me healthy again -- this time from the inside out.

And now a quote from what is becoming my bible, Geneen Roth's Women Food and God. At 2 a.m. today, I read this sentence and a light went off in my brain:
"....eating compulsively is eating without regard to the body's cues; it therefore follows that when you develop the capacity to steer your attention back to your body, are aware of what it says and are wiling to listen to it, compulsuion falls away."

Amen.