The insanity stopped....

....and I know the how but have no idea about the why.

I did Ann Louise Gittleman's Smoothie Shakedown for two weeks, with all intentions of going off it for a week (as Gittleman suggests), and then back on it for another two weeks.

I had the days all worked out, and my first day off that diet would have been Thanksgiving. And as I was plotting how I would face yet another holiday trying to diet and failing miserably, I took a three-hour class in mindfulness.

This topic is not new to me. In fact, I spent a week at Kripalu (a yoga retreat in the Berkshires of Massachusetts) practicing the concept three years ago. And although I came home and embraced it for a few weeks, I could never make it part of my life.

But now, it seems to have become part of my being.

For the first time in my life I am at peace with food. I am not dieting, instead simply making good food choices. The restaurant meals that once haunted me have become my friend. I scour the menus really reading each offering, deciding what to eat not based on the calorie count but how appealing the food sounds. I know that since I am eating so slowly, I will only eat half of the meal.

The result? In the past three weeks I have lost 10 pounds, not an earth-shattering amount of weight but I am more proud of these 10 pounds than any other 10 pounds I have ever lost.

Why now? I have numerous theories but the one I like the best is that I have forgiven myself, and my body is responding to the kindness I am now showing it. I know it sounds weird, but then my relationship with food has been anything but normal. Ever.

Until now. Consider the pantry full of snacks awaiting a Thanksgiving visit from my Seattle daughter and her family. Pretzels, nuts, cheese and crackers: All the stuff I never could keep in my house. Now it's there, but my desire to eat any of it is not. It is for my six grandchildren, my children, their spouses and my husband. But if I want a pretzel or cheese and cracker, I will eat it, and enjoy every last morsel.

Last night at book club I took a tiny serving of green tea ice cream because I always wanted to try it. That tiny bit of sweet was enough to salve my hunger. In the past, I would have refused the ice cream and once home, would start eating enough food until I satisfied the beast within. Last night I came home and went to sleep.

I like the new me. Now, instead of praying that I will not stray, I can honestly say that this time I think I have found the key that is unlocking the gate to weight loss. And the perpetual smile that is on my face is testament to this. I am present in my life and I could not be happier.