My new BFF

I have tried just about every diet known to man, but the one thing I never did was see a nutritionist.

My doctor thought it might be wise to do, so I now visit Courtney Sansonetti every two weeks. I erroneously thought she would be giving me a diet to follow, but Courtney is all about balance -- both in the way you live your life and the foods you eat to fuel your body.

Our first session was a get-to-know each other. We talked about food. I told her the foods I ate, but of course I was telling her about my "good" days, when I only ate nutritious, healthy foods, totally avoiding sugar and junk food, because honestly, that is how I usually eat.

But then there are my binge days, which I totally forgot to mention. At our second session I confessed about my binging because for this to work, I need to be honest. Courtney has many clients who binge, and although she knows it happens, has a hard time understanding how food can have such power. She is one of the svelte lucky ones in this country without any food or body issues.

So now, instead of writing down the foods I eat she wants me to journal my feelings about food, my emotions, and if I binge comes on, try to analyze why. In fact, she is hoping I have at least one binge within the next two weeks; she thinks it could help me uncover the reason why I binge.

I am praying I don't. I hate binging. It makes me feel out of control and the next day I spend mentally beating myself up. What Courtney is asking me to do is listen to the voice within that makes me want to eat foods I know I shouldn't. I know that if I don't listen to that voice and fight back, I will never win this battle.

My goal: To eat like a thin person, listening to my body cues, and when my body tells me I am sated, to stop eating. I want to be able to eat a cookie, have a dish of ice cream or a slice of cheesecake every now and then, and not make that cookie the reason to start eating everything in sight. I am so tired of telling myself I will wake up the next day and drink only three whey shakes the whole day to make up for my discretion the night before. (By the way, that NEVER happens.)

I'm praying my new journal will get me thinking about things I have been suppressing for years. Talk about scary! But I'm ready. Bring it on...